


Seoul's Death Note

by cutiegyu



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, Drinking, Established Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Freeform, Inspired by Death Note, Kang Taehyun-Centric, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Student Choi Beomgyu, Student Huening Kai, Student Kang Taehyun, Trauma, Whipped Choi Beomgyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28866618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutiegyu/pseuds/cutiegyu
Summary: Kang Taehyun is the quiet STEM major, set to be a doctor. But his whole life changes when he stumbles upon a black notebook on a midnight snack run. He knows he should have left it be, but hey, free notebook.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 15
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So usually I don't post my WIPs because I want to wait until I'm completely finished. But this one, I kind of want to post for feedback. So, if you see this or get the link send to you, please let me know your thoughts. I would love to hear from you guys!!
> 
> This fic is a freeform Death Note fic. Kang Taehyun gets a hold of the death note and it turns his life around. Also, if you guys have name suggestions for the shinigami, please post them!! I'm coming up blank on naming such an important character.

Among all of the bullshit spoken in these beige-painted, brick walls, you will never hear the name _Kang Taehyun._ A fascinatingly intelligent college freshman who's already found himself on the Dean's list first semester. A full ride scholarship gracing his academic career in the goal of majoring in STEM, the major path of medical doctoring and a minor in pharmaceuticals. His path isn't uncommon, especially attending a school praised for their medical field. He's essentially just another face amongst the hungover bullshitters who blow their credit and financial aid on the cheapest liquor on the shelves.

Taehyun didn't care about the party life. He's rather go back to his dorm and study, or to the best of his abilities. Trying to dodge a loud mouth little twerp like his roommate is enough work as it is. Kai Kamal Huening, the out-of-country kid from China who's majoring in music of all things. Breaking up Taehyun's study sessions with loud ass strumming or keying, sometimes singing. The only times Taehyun gets a break is when Kai decided to attend a party. The only time Taehyun is thankful for them.

"Hey, last chance, Kang," Kai begins as he tugs on his dark denim jacket, his tone friendly, but not enough to crack the older, "Jeon Somi is throwing a party tonight. You're invited if you want."

Taehyun gives an exasperated sigh, not looking up from the textbook placed in his lap, "Really does not sound like fun."

Kai rolls his eyes at his response, hand turning the handle of the shared dorm room, "You don't sound like fun." He mumbles, loud enough for Taehyun to hear, and lets the door shut back into its frame.

Taehyun lays back into his pillow, shutting his eyes with a tiny groan, _Thank fuck he left._ He prays to whatever God is listening for him to not return for the night. The prep for this homework assignment his teacher posted on a Thursday night is absolutely ridiculous. His weekends should be spent gaining his rest back, not endulging beyond the brim about the many mutations of the genetic code and what they mean for the human body. Sometimes he regrets taking those dual-enrollment courses in high school. A nap would be just perfect. But he decides to reward himself after he finishes the many sections of question one.

○●○

Halfway through his homework, his phone glows with a glimmering Caller ID. He smiles to himself, _sure, I can take a small break,_ and places the phone to his ear. "Yoonsuh-" is all he's able to let out before his eardrum is assaulted by a thousand words at once.

"TAEHYUN, OH MY GOD, I FINALLY GOT A DATE TO THE SCHOOL DANCE! MY CRUSH SAID YES! I'M NOT A WEIRD IDIOT I SWEAR!" Screaming fills the room regardless of the phone is on speaker or not.

Taehyun pulls the phone away from his ear, flinching at the excitement from the girl on the other line, "Yoonsuh! Yoonsuh! Hey! Shut up!" He lets out a giggle as she finally stops screaming.

"Sorry, Tyun. I'm just-"

The warm smile on his face is felt through the call, "I know, its exciting! I'm so proud of my baby sister! How did it go? Tell me everything!"

Taehyun's younger sister endulges him of a story of a date. He would be lying if he said that he didn't tear up at the fact his 16 year old sister is already dating. His whole life, watching her grow and mature, he's just so proud.

His sister is everything to him. Even though he grew up quiet, not many friends, top of the class, he wasn't afraid to put everything on the line for her. Getting in fights if a boy even tries to make a dangerous move. He would still do it now. Anything to see her smile.

The two talked for about an hour until Taehyun scolded her for being up past her bedtime. "Tyun, I'm 16."

"And you still have school in the morning."

"But I have a dance tomorrow night! I could just-"

"If you say you're going to skip I will not hesistate to drive back home and be your alarm clock tomorrow."

He hears a groan over the phone, "You're no fun."

He gives a warm chuckle, "Goodnight, Yoonsuh. I love you."

"Goodnight, Tyun. I love you too."

He can't help but end the call with a smile. He enjoys the company of his sister, even if it's just over the phone for a bit. He checks the time on his screen as a yawn reaches his soft pallet.

10:07pm

He looks back at his not even near completed assaignment and back at the time. For as strict of a kid he is, he does tend to endulge in whatever breaks he can find. This is one of them. He tucks his phone into his back pocket, along with his wallet and pulls a hoodie over his head. He is in the mood for a snack.

It takes him all of twenty minutes to make his selection at the nearby convenience store. Besides a snack for the night, consisting of ice cream and a so unhealthy energy drink, he grabs some other items for the week that his roommate is bound to snag. He's totally aware of Kai stealing snacks, and at first, he minded, giving little comments in passing to make him tense and rethink his choices. But the tiny threats didn't seem to work, and for a reason that came aware as he was opening the door one day. He overheard him on the phone to his older sister. _"I know you don't have much but please send me money. I'm hungry and I'm too scared to ask my roommate. He doesn't like it when I steal food but I can't help it."_ He overheard the younger in sobs. Since then, Taehyun has stocked up on some extra food items and snacks, sometimes paying for his lunch if he sees him skipping.

Taehyun may be cold but he's not heartless.

On his way back to the dorm, he trips over something catching his foot. Not enough to throw him on the ground but enough to test his balance. He regains his balance and turns behind him, seeing a daunting black notebook on the ground, words on the front carved in white. He can't make out what it says but the feeling he gets staring at it is the same heart racing feeling staring into the eyes of a wolf. He's perplexed why a book would give him such a feeling, wanting to brush it off as low blood sugar. But there's a sense of curiosity that attracts him to pick it up. He finally reads the front cover, sending massive chills down his spine.

_Death Note._

He almost drops it out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the eery feeling he gets as it stares back at him, like it has eyes itself. He gives a heavy gulp and traces his finger tips at the edge, carefully lifting up incase of a hex or sudden _death._ But the realization as he flips through the pages, seeing its just a notebook, sets his nerves at ease. He sighs out a breath of relief, "It's just a notebook, still in good condition. Always good to keep a spare." He mutters to himself, tucking it in his bag with the other snacks and making his way back to his homework.

○●○

Taehyun wakes up to the click of his door snd the shower starting. He's aware it's Kai coming in from the party. He groans, trying to go back to sleep, but too much plagues his mind, like the eventual blabber about his night, question two of his homework, but the best part, his sister's dance.

He reaches over to his nightstand and brings his phone close to his face, seeing a text from his sister from early this morning.

Yoonsuh: Mom let me skip anyway :P Going dress shopping. I'll send you pictures!

He smiles to himself and shakes his head, "Little punk." He whispers and goes to his usual apps to wake up his brain.

He uses social media, surprisingly, but not many people follow him. He mainly follows for the science and manga updates. Occasionally, he sees posts from friends back home, or a few from college, but not enough to clutter his feed. One of the first things he notices is a picture of his grade school friend, Soobin, and his boyfriend, Yeonjun, spending their Friday off on a date. It doesn't say where, but nonetheless he's happy for them.

While scrolling, a text pops through on his phone, surprisingly not from his sister.

Gyu hyung: yo u free for like brunch or sumn?

Taehyun holds back from cracking up, with the use of slang and "brunch" from his friend, Beomgyu. Beomgyu is a grade above Taehyun. They met in the school library when Beomgyu needed help on a Biology assignment and he recognized him as the awkward STEM major from Pre-Calculus. Since then, Taehyun has been tutoring Beomgyu in more than just Biology, and Beomgyu has been tutoring Taehyun at social skills.

Taehyun: Sure. The cafe by the arts building?

Gyu hyung: yeah dude. u gonna bring ur roommate?

Before he could think about his answer, he hears the wall rumbling hurl of his roommate in the bathroom. Taehyun flairs his nose, surpressing a gag, _In the shower too, man?_ He internally critiques the younger for his vomiting place.

Taehyun: No. He just threw up in the shower.

Gyu hyung: lol mood🤙🏻 im getting dressed now

Taehyun: Thank God, I'll meet you there soon.

○●○

 _It's just coffee, Taehyun. Fucking coffee._ He scolds himself mentally. He should be at home finishing his assignment that's due first thing Monday. But the sounds of Kai barfing and the potential of being his nurse sounds like the absolute worst. Of course he cared for Kai, even though he's a little shit who can refer to his elders as Hyung or Noona.

Looking up, Taehyun sees the cafe, and next to the door is the familiar figure. He holds back a face, seeing as Beomgyu sees him too and waves in his direction.

"Hey, hyung." Taehyun greets the elder, "Why aren't you inside?"

He notices a bit of sunburn on the olders ears, but he doesn't recall him going back home to Daegu recently, "Oh, I was waiting for you. So we could order together. I was gonna offer paying."

Taehyun shrugs, "Only if I can get you some sunblock for your ears. You don't want to develop skin cancer."

Beomgyu brings his hands up to his ears, becoming painfully aware of himself, "O-Oh, yeah? I didn't even notice."

"You have to be more careful, hyung. But come on, I'm hungry." Taehyun gives a small smile, recieving one back from the older. Both of them making their way inside.

The two order coffees and a pastery for themselves, getting comfortable at a table near the back of the cafe. They stay quiet as they eat, that is until Taehyun gets a few texts from his sister. Beomgyu peers over and notices the pictures of a girl in different dresses on the screen and the wide smile full of adoration on his face. The younger doesn't notice the older slump back in his seat until he puts his phone down.

"You didn't tell me you have a girlfriend, Hyun." Beomgyu tries to show as much composure as possible.

There's a quizzical expression on Taehyun's face as he looks at the older, trying to make sense of the term _girlfriend_. "Beomgyu-hyung, I'm gay. What are you talking about?"

Beomgyu's entire body languages changes to surprise at the nonchalant confession, "Huh? Then who was the girl with the dresses?"

"That's .. my sister? She has a school dance tonight." An eyebrow raises on Taehyun's face, "Why were you looking at my phone?"

Beomgyu stares for a minute, then shakes his head a bit, "You're no fun- Let me see her dresses though!"

Taehyun gives a chuckle before pulling his phone out, showing off his favorite person to his favorite hyung. But he won't admit that though.

○●○

Later that night, Taehyun is lost in his studies again. Question two finally turned into question three as the clock passes by midnight. It's been a few hours since Yoonsuh updated him on the dance, but he shrugs it off as her having fun. He never got to attend a dance in high school. He never saw the allure to it. Just some annoying ass night in the school's gymnasium with annoying ass music and annoying ass people waiting to get drunk and laid. But he can't help but feel happy for his sister who thrived in social settings.

Kai is out again for the night. He mentioned meeting with some friends at their dorm, probably drinking again after recovering from his morning hangover. He knows he won't be back until later, if not the next morning again, so he tries to knock out as much work as possible.

A call illuminates his screen as he reaches for his phone. A creeping feeling scurries down his back as he notices its his mother, and at 1:15 in the morning. He presses the green button and places the phone to his ear, "Hey, mom-" is all he's managed to get out before he's interrupted by the sounds of heartwrenching sobs on the other line. The last time he heard him mom sob like this- He swallows hard before processing the following bit of information.

"Y-Your sister-" The sobs almost make her voice unrecognizable, but he manages to make out the next bit, "She was killed" The sobs grow louder as he hears the crashing of his mothers phone on asphalt.

His head begins to churn like the contents of a blender as he tries to process the news broken to him. Surely he didn't hear that right, his hearing is messed it, its a wrong number, maybe his grandmother fell ill, something else it has to be. But he comes to the realization he refuses to be true as he hears his mothers breathless sobs on the other end.

He wipes the tears he's noticed dripping onto his homework assignment, smudging the ink of his handwriting to illegible. He slams his textbook closed and shoves it as far away from him as possible. He kicks his legs over the side of the bed to stand, but is faced with a framed picture of him and his sister on the nightstand. His throat begins to bubble and his vision blurs to black as he breaks into the same heartwrenching sobs as his mother.

○●○

It's been a week since that day.

Kai came back from his friends during the night and found his roommate passed out on the floor with tears staining his face. Taehyun proceeded to do the unthinkable and sobbed into the youngers shoulder. Kai was thrown off at first, attempting to calm him down from whatever it was, but when Taehyun explained what happened, he let him cry, as much as he needed.

Since then, Taehyun has been a quiet, simmering ball of sadness. The following Monday, he skipped class, emailing his teacher to explain why his homework isn't done, thus his teacher exempting him from the assignment altogether and telling him to come back to class next week. A similar pattern followed with his other classes. He was an attendant student with perfect grades.

His mother drops the news when he arrives home for the weekend that the man that killed his sister is still alive. He managed to walk out with a few cuts and bruises, and paid his mother handsomely to drop the case against him, enough to cover the funeral and then some. Taehyun demands for a name but is appalled when he finds out its the CEO of the big news station, out visiting some old friends for a night of drinking, on his way back to his apartment in Seoul. He was already skeptical of people in power, but this made him resent them.

The funeral has come and gone, closed casket and not a dry eye in the building. He volunteered to take her casket to the grave site, the last time he could help her, to lift her up, in any way she needed. He couldn't help but remember the first time he held her, though a vague memory from a developing mind. His first memory to be exact. His mother monitored him to make sure he didn't drop her, that he held her correctly, back then and now.

Watching her casket lower six feet under broke a dam within him. The weight of the casket he held was enough to make his knees tremble, even after the fact, as he came to a crashing realization he will never hold his baby sister again. His mother met him at the ground to calm him, as strong as she could in the moment. She held him as he cried in front of the circling of loved ones around the grave. He felt burried to watching the dirt fill in the hole, and no amount of bouquets could ever capture her true beauty.

He visited the grave site one last time before heading back to his dorm. Talking to the headstone that symbolizes his sister. He shared his deepest secrets, ones he wouldn't think to tell. How he's scared of failing his major or falling out of love with it, the growing crush on the boy who makes him feel confident, how his roommate reminds him of her, and how he secretly vows to protect him like he did her, finally letting go of her in an attempt to move on.

Back at the dorm, unpacking his bag, he ponders on ways to reach out to the people he holds close. He can't mope around forever, he has to move on. If the roles were reversed, he would want her to live on, confidently and happy, letting nothing stop her. He hasn't come to a sense of peace yet, not when her killer is still living lavishly with no burdens.

He goes to place his unused clothes back into his set of drawers when he sees that black notebook peaking out from underneath a tee shirt. He places his clothes in the drawer then pulls out the book. He reads the cover again. Taehyun is not one to believe in curses, the supernatural, or bad luck, but something in him makes him believe it's the book's fault. Its karma for picking up this weird fucking book.

Without another second of thought and the clench of his teeth, he flings the book into the wall on Kai's side, leaving a little black scrape in the paint. He groans, not making him feel better by any means, but decides he's dispose of it later. He turns back to close the drawer and then back to his suitcase on his bed.

"You finally use the book but as a projectile." A grisly voice breaks Taehyun's concentration. He turns around to see a literal, disfigured demon next to Kai's bed. Startled, Taehyun lets out a yell, consisting of swears as it's the only words to come to mind. "Calm down, holy shit, you're going to alarm someone."

The demon tries to move toward the screaming boy but is met by him picking up his textbook on his bed and throwing it at the demon. He blind a few times, watching the book fly right through the demon's body, his blood running cold at the site.

"What the fuck are you?!" Taehyun shouts at the phantom.

The demon turns to look at the textbook, "Is this all you can do? Jeez, you do need my help."

"What the _fuck_ are you?!" Taehyun repeats, a threat in his voice but it doesn't phase the demon.

"I'm a Shinigami."

Taehyun remembers back to his childhood and the various manga he reads. A shinigami is a God from Japanese folklore, like a grim reaper. They are Gods of death. He trails his eyes back to the notebook, reading the ' _Death Note_.' on the cover. With a heavy gulp, he looks back at the shinigami. "Why are you here?"

"Look, kid. Are you going to use the death note or not?" He can hear the impatiencey in its voice.

A shake is present in Taehyun's voice as he speaks, "What is the death note?"

"So many fucking questions, dear god." The shinigami picks up the notebook behind it, "This is the death note. You can end the life of anyone, by any means, if you know their name and face."

Taehyun's heart begins to thump wildly in his ears. This cannot be reality. It's simply just psychosis enduced by the trauma of his sisters death. Did he subconsciously want revenge on the CEO? Is this the cause of his mind being vacant like a burnt film strip? He forces his eyes closed and opens them back up, fully expecting for everything to be a hallucination but dawning on him that this is reality.

There is actually a God of Death standing in his dorm room.

"Seriously, kid, are you going to use it? Because after a while of watching you, it seems like you have a reason to." The shinigami temps the boy. Seeing is face perk in the slightest of interest, it continues, "An untouchable businessman was able to wreck your world in a flash. He paid off your mother to get away with the murder of your sister. I know you would like to get back, I saw it in your eyes the second your dear mother told you he survived." Taehyun diverts his attention to the floor, stuck in his head at the moment. Taking it would be out of his character. The shinigami groaned once more, "I can see you're considering it. I'll give you another week with the book for you to decide."

With that, the shinigami fades away, letting the book fall to the ground of the dorm room. Taehyun follows the pattern of the book and falls to the floor too, trying to regain his composure after seeing a God of death.

○●○

The next few days leave Taehyun in thought. Each day he boils more in envy at the thought of the CEO getting away with murder. He boils at the thought of his mother taking the money, no questions asked. His lectures are spent talking to the angel and devil on his shoulder. Over time, he finds his angel as corrupt as the devil, and that's the day he spends his break researching the murderer of his sister.

Kim Youngho. A 43 year old CEO of the major broadcasting station of South Korea. He was born into wealth, seemed arrogant and pompass, but something interesting caught Taehyun's eye while diving. _Coke addiction._

Taehyun wonders, _Can I alter the way he dies?_ Its the first time he uses it, but he doesn't want to mess it up. It's been a while since he's last seen the shinigami, so it's not like he can ask a question. He finally decides he'll write down the cause of death too, just incase his death is coincidental.

Does he genuinely think this will work? No. But there's curiosity and a burning need for revenge.

Seeing off Kai before a party, he pulls out the death note on top of his homework. _Name and a face_ he reminds himself before dragging his pen across the page with very little hesitation. _There's no way this will work._ He reads over the four lonesome words on the page.

_Kim Youngho. Cocaine overdose._

Chills move down his spine and he realizes what he's done. Could he be the cause of a man's death? No, unlikely. There's no way to control that unless he's a murderer. He puts the notebook back into his nightstand drawer and attends back to his homework.

○●○

The next day, Taehyun can't help but hear the gossip through the beige-painted brick walls. It was bullshit, perusual, nothing surprising. Except one that makes his blood run cold.

_**"Did you hear Kim Youngho died of a cocaine overdose?"** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm putting a TRIGGER WARNING for panic attacks. Taehyun has one at the very beginning. If that is a trigger for you, then skip to where you see □■□, as that's the indicator for the end of the panic attack.
> 
> I have panic attacks myself, so I wrote from personal experience, I'm not looking shit up from WebMD lol.

Cocaine overdoses are brutal. It takes over your body, making the person lose complete control. Survivors talk about feeling still, unable to help themselves, like astral projecting and being unable to do a damn thing. It's a slow and excruciating way to die, and Taehyun knows this.

He feels his head begin to spin, his thoughts chasing him in a circle. He looks for an exit as his vision turns to tunnels. His heart feels like it's going to beat out of his throat, because it needs air, like him. He feels like he's moving faster than the Flash, that is until he feels a tapping on his shoulder.

"Taehyun? Hey, look at me." The calming voice attracts his attention. He looks to the direction of the voice, which one, he's not sure. There's three, no four, Beomgyu's looking at him. His eyes dart to each of them, not sure which is real. Hell, they could all be real, he's seen a fucking shinigami.

"Hey, you're almost there, I'm right in front of you." He hears the reassuring voice again, but it brings a feeling of drowning to him.

Taehyun's voice cracks, desperate to make a noise, "Wh-Which one..?"

"Hyun, it's Beomgyu. Just look at me." The voice strains with worry, more than before.

Another voice cuts into the senario, but he's unaware of the location, "Count to him, help him breathe."

"How the fuck do you teach someone to breathe?"

"Pathetic..." the voice is followed by a sigh, "Just say 'one, two, three, four, hold' and repeat. Steady."

And the voice does as instructed and so does Taehyun. Over time, the number of Beomgyu's goes down to one, the tunneling of his vision retreats but blurred, he continues to shake but not as violent. Taehyun lets his head fall into his hands, with the dawning realization that he experienced a panic attack.

The soft voice comes back as he feels fingertips skating across the back of his head, "Hyun, are you better now?"

Its takes a moment for Taehyun to look back up, noticing he's seated in the hallway he once stood, his back against the wall and knees tucked to his chest. He looks back to his friend, Beomgyu, who's worry is apparent in his eyes. He swallows, sticky with the dryness of his throat, and nods, "Yeah... Thank you."

"I'm going to take you back to your dorm now." The older says, leaving no room for protest, as he helps the younger up, keeping an eye on him the entire walk back.

□■□

The walk is silent for the majority, as Beomgyu is mainly too scared to mention anything. He's not entirely sure how triggering works so he tries to steer clear of anything that could be, even if that's asking about how he's been holding up since his sister's death.

But Taehyun's mind is racing, not as fast as before, but about his mental state. Maybe he's just ... experiencing trauma. Yeah, that happens, everything lines up.

"You know, I've never been to your dorm before. You're going to have to tell me where."

Taehyun looks around and realizes where he is. It's the arts building. How far out did they walk? How long has he been in his head? Then he feels his stomach growl, remembering he skipped breakfast for sleeping in. He's been doing that more recently, feeling more drained than usual. He knows its dangerous to skip meals, but the body is forgiving, it's just for a bit.

"Hyun, you seem hungry? What about brunch?" Beomgyu has a smile across his face, a small, sympathetic one at that, as he gestures to the cafe the two frequent. "I'll pay."

"Hyung, you're going to go broke." Taehyun sighs a chuckle. He's more exhausted then he thought he was.

"That's fine by me. Anything to keep you fed."

Taehyun is too tired to protest. He does the same thing for his roommate. _But when do kind gestures turn into charity cases to shut up the other?_ Taehyun tries to push the thought aside. _This is Beomgyu, he wouldn't do that. Right?_

Beomgyu pays for their drinks and the food to accompany. Taehyun opts for a water as Beomgyu sticks to his usual iced coffee. When the food is brought out, Taehyun is hesitant to take a bite of the blueberry danish at first, and Beomgyu being aware of the younger since the panic attack doesn't help the situation, "Hyun, eat."

Taehyun looks at the untouched sandwich in front of the older, "You first."

"Why are you fighting me?" Beomgyu asks more skeptical than argumentative. The younger's behavior has been strange for the past couple of weeks. He knows why, coping with death is difficult, but he's just trying to help.

However, Taehyun takes the question as inciting, cowering down to avoid confrontation, "I-I... I'm sorry, hyung..."

"Taehyun." Beomgyu sounds stern, enough to make the younger flinch, but he backs off, "Hyun, you know I'm here for you, right? You don't have to close yourself off. I care about you."

_You're just a charity case._

Taehyun gulps, not sure which voice to listen to. They both feel real, especially the latter, like the corrupted angel is whispering things into his ear. He tries to use his analytical brain, _it's just trauma. It can go away._

"Hyun?" Beomgyu shakes Taehyun out of his head again, a worried look more prominent on his face, "You can just come back to my dorm if it's easier. You've been zoning out."

Something clicks in Taehyun's head, but in a mood shifting way. He takes a big bite of his danish and smiles, "I'm okay, hyung. Promise."

The older nods cautiously in response, looking the other up and down at the sudden shift, "If you say so."

○●○

Beomgyu walks Taehyun back to him dorm, insuring he's okay before just leaving him. Kai is in and out for the rest of the day until his classes end. He's confused as to why Taehyun is in the dorm on a school day but shrugs it off as maybe he's just sad.

The next few days drag on for Taehyun. He's thankful for the weekend as he plans to take time to rest. Plans, though, it doesn't actually mean he does. When Kai half-assidly invites him to party, Taehyun shocks him and actually says yes.

Kai looks at him with a quizzical expression, looking the older up and down trying to read him, "Uhm, I... Uh, okay?" Is all Kai can come up with to say.

Taehyun shimmies into the hoodie, poking his head through the top, "Who's hosting?"

"The, uh, upper classmen of SKZ fraternity. Like, seriously, Tyun, you don't have to go." Since the funeral, Taehyun and Kai had spent some friendly time together to get to know each other better. Taehyun found out that Kai isn't use to formalities, especially Korean ones, since his parents never forced it on him. So Taehyun suggested Kai just call him _Tyun_.

"No, I want to. Hmm.. SKZ, isn't that Han Jisung's frat?" Taehyun questions as he grabs his phone and keys.

Kai opens the door for the both of them, Taehyun locking up behind them, "Yeah, why? You like him or something?"

A scoff escapes from Taehyun's throat as he tucks his hands in his pockets, "No way, not my type."

Kai gives a look to Taehyun, not believing the words coming out of his mouth, " _You,_ have a type?"

"Did you think I was a robot?"

"Kinda."

Taehyun rolls his eyes with a playful smile, "Loser."

Kai further pries with a chuckle, "So, what is your type?"

It takes Taehyun a moment to muster his answer. Of course he had a type. It's Beomgyu. But Beomgyu is not a type and that's confidential, between him and his sister. Now, how to describe his hyung without making it obvious is challenging, "Uh... male."

"No shit." Kai tries to act surprised but he's already aware of his roommate's sexuality. "Like, is it physical features or emotional traits? Like, a stereotypical manly man, or someone with more feminine qualities."

"What kind of question is that? I like men, not women."

"Oh, so, like muscles?"

Taehyun groans, "If you drag this topic on longer, I will turn around." Essentially, Taehyun doesn't get the point of gender roles. Coming to terms with his sexuality in high school made him realize it just makes no sense. It's started with _I'm a boy who likes boys_ and transformed into _boys are allowed to show emotions and women deserve equal rights and more respect, and no one has to identify as the sex between their legs._ So, hearing Kai spew this gendered bullshit is just annoying to him. Gender is a social contruct and can be demolished at any given point. But getting lost in the beige-painted brick walls of the dormatory, eventually turning into the moonlight of night and the shadows of the two playing hide and seek under passing streetlights, he finally comes to a conclusion, "Someone I can feel complete with, who feels like the half of me that's missing. Intelligence, looks, money, it doesn't matter to me."

"It sounds like you have someone in mind." Is not what Taehyun was expecting the younger to say. He tenses a bit, thinking he blabbed too much, "Which is cool that you know what kind of person you're looking for. I sure as hell don't."

_Then why the fuck did you ask?_ Taehyun mentally curses the other as he relaxes. _Little shit._

Walking into the frat house, Taehyun can already smell the disgusting amount of liquor being consumed with a just _delightful_ hint of recreational drug use. He's already mentally cursing himself for coming, Taehyun's never drank before. This is just a funhouse of the most dangerous things imaginable to him. Walking through the house, following his roommate, who is thankfully so tall that he doesn't get lost in the ungodly amount of people, he spots a few familiar faces from classes. None of which, looking back with any sense of familiarity. He is out of place and he knows it.

_None of these people give a shit that you're here. Give it up._

Before he can curse himself for thinking so negatively, he's handed a red plastic cup of whatever from the younger. He looks at it, suspiciously, but unsure if he's looking at the liquid or himself in the reflection.

"It's peach soju. Drink." Kai clinks his cup against his and tilts his head back, watching his throat move with every gulp.

_Just drink. It's one drink. Pussy._

He gives into the voice tickling his eardrum as he tilts back like the younger. The alcohol burning his throat and into his nose, but eventually feels kind of good as it coats his mouth, leaving a moderately plesant aftertaste lingering in his soft pallet.

Kai gives him a friendly smile, "I knew you'd like it, you love peaches." and Taehyun can't help but smile back. "I mean, I figured you haven't drank before, since you're like, no fun." There's a playfulness in Kai's tone that makes Taehyun chuckle.

"So, what do you usually do at parties?" The older asks.

"Drink, dick around, talk to people."

"Like, are there any games?"

"Oh, like beer pong?" Kai cherps up at the mention.

"Like, ping pong?" Taehyun tilts his head to the side. He understands the premise but is still a bit lost, never played it nor been exposed to it.

"Have you ever watched a movie?" Kai asks dryly.

_Way to go. You were just starting to be cool._

"Yeah." Taehyun tries to swallow down the random override of emotion.

"Taehyun?!" A voice calls his name. He looks to his left and sees a smile that makes his heart flutter, "What the hell are you doing here? You're not a party person." Before Taehyun can open his mouth to speak, he's pulled into a unexpected hug by the older. It's warm, welcoming, accepting. He's so close, _so close,_ he can't help but note how plesant he smells.

"I, uh," Taehyun begins as the older pulls away, "Wanted to get out of the dorm."

"To a party?" Taehyun watches as one of Beomgyu's eyebrows raises in confusion.

He gives a smile to the older that throws him off, "Yeah, _fuck it._ "

Beomgyu gives a chuckle in response, "Okay, yeah, fuck it." He eyes down at the youngers cup, "I can refill your drink." he begins, but stumbles on his following words, "I-If you'd like. I don't wa-want to.. uh-"

A giggle escapes from Taehyun's wide smile, "Yeah, whatever you recommend." he hands his hyung his cup and lets him pick whatever. In the meantime, he catches Kai giving the two a look. He's not sure exactly what it means, maybe he doesn't remember Beomgyu? Strange, because they know each other.

Taehyun turns to watch Beomgyu shuffle through the bottles of alcohol, mouthing words to himself that Taehyun can't read. He finally picks out one and pours it in two cups, one being his as he hands it back, "Try it."

"What is it?" Taehyun asks, looking at the dark colored liquid in his cup.

"Trust me." He says with a smile, tiping back his cup for a sip.

Taehyun follows suit, for a bit more than a sip. He isn't disgusted, but it"s not the greatest. It's tart, stings a pit, makes him pucker in the face at the older, "What the fuck..."

"Doesn't it kind of taste like coffee?"

"It tastes like cough medicine." Taehyun questions back at the elder.

Beomgyu shakes his head, making a ticking noise with his tongue, "Try it again, you might have missed it." He puts his fingertips under the other's cup to raise it back to his face.

Kai interrupts Taehyun before he takes another sip, "Are you trying to get him hammered?"

"Maybe! I just wanna see what kind of drunk Hyunnie is." Beomgyu makes a little pouty face at Taehyun, "Come onnnn!" He lets the latter word linger in an attempt to pursuade him into drinking to a state of oblivion.

Taehyun isn't sure what to make of the situation as the voice tingles at his ear again. _See, you're nothing but a puppet to them. Entertainment at best. Take up acting so you can smile better._ The tone of everything becomes so blurred, so he follows the advice from the older, putting the cup back to his lips for another drink.

Letting the cup down, he sees the one he adores smiling back at him, and he can't help but do the same, "Yeah, you're right. It kind of does."

○●○

Later on in the night, after a few drinks, Taehyun excuses himself to the restroom. He's buzzed, feeling the alcohol, but he remains steady. Washing up his hands and reaching for the towel, he looks at himself in the mirror. He catches a glimpse of something that makes him jolt up and fall onto the floor, causing the contents on the sink to tip over into the bowl. Even though, uneasy, he forces himself to look up at the thing to set him off. _The shinigami._

"What the hell are you doing here?" He asks as quietly as he can, trying to make sure nobody can hear him on the other side. _Maybe I'm actually drunk?_ He questions himself. He only had a three more bottles of soju, paced through the night.

The shinigami lets a smile creep onto it's face, "You actually used the death note."

Taehyun is sent back to the day he discovered the news about Kim Youngho. He didn't look up to see if it was true or not. The fear of having another panic attack overrode that idea; however, he's faced with the conformation he desired not to face, feeling his nerves buzz through him. "I'm not proud of it."

"Oh? But you should. You finally got your revenge."

_Did I?_ Taehyun thought to himself, _Because it doesn't feel like it._ He hates to admit it, but being able to get back was... nice? The control... It felt kind of... good?

"I can see your conflicted, Taehyun."

"I'm not!" He snapped at the shinigami in front of him, "I don't want to use that damned book ever again."

The demon gives of an aura that makes the mortal more uneasy, "Fine. Just keep your ears open tonight."

Before he can question the shinigami, he's interrupted by a pounding on the door that he could have mistaken for his own heart, "Open up! I'm gonna hurl!"

Taehyun looks at the door with a tinge of panic _What about the-_ Before he can finish his thought, he turns back and see's the shinigami missing from where it once possessed. He blinks a few times and rubs his eyes, incase his vision is messing with him, and to his worries, it's gone.

"Come on!" The pounding continues as he stands to open the door. That's when a classmate pushes his way into the bathroom, making Taehyun dart straight out.

_Keep my ears open?_ Taehyun ponders, making his way back to his friends.

He sees them, leaning against a wall, talking, laughing, like he wasn't there prior.

_See how happy they are without you? You're just a weight to them._

He shakes his head, trying to shoo the voice away from his ears. He doesn't want to listen to it. However, something else does.

"Man, did you hear about that shitty producer?"

"You mean the one that slept with the female acts?"

"Yeah, apparently they had to do that to get a comeback. Man, I feel so bad for them."

"People like that should just _drop dead_."

Hearing that brief conversation sent chills up his spine. The fact that he agrees too? The worst part, he actually has a way to make that happen. He forces down a swallow, trying not to let the comments and inner turmoil effect him, and makes his way back to his friends.

The night keeps at a nice pace. The three chatter until they realize Beomgyu drank too much. Neither of them knowing where his dorm is, decide to bring him back to their dorm for the night. Kai decided to piggyback the eldest on his back, leaving Taehyun to occasionally cackle at plastered Beomgyu and a not so sober Kai who bicker about weight and carrying style.

"Beomgyu, I swear to fuck-" Kai swears as he stops in his tracks to prevent the other from sliding down his back.

And Beomgyu being the big drunk toddler he is has something to slur, "Ow! Stop doing that! It hurts my dick!"

"What, would princess style be better?" Kai sneers at the one on his back.

The older replies in a pouty tone, "Mmmm maybe..."

"Say one more fucking thing and I'll drop you."

Beomgyu doesn't hesistate, "One more fucking thing." And neither does Kai, dropping the elder on spot, letting him land on his back on the sidewalk. "MOTHER FUCKER! I HATE IT HERE!"

Taehyun just stares at the older, trying to surpress a laugh, "Hyung, are you okay?"

"Yeah, just, fucking swell." There's sarcasm laced with the slurs of intoxication. Then, a little gasp escaps from his lips as he looks up at the night sky, "I forgot to take my anti depressants! What if I get sad?"

_Anti depressants?_ Taehyun wonders, _He never even seemed a bit depressed._ "You won't get sad, hyung. That's not how that works."

"You sure? Cause I'm sad." Beomgyu pouts, crossing his arms over his chest, "Was much happier when I was being _carried._ "

Kai turns his head to Taehyun, "I'm not doing it again."

Taehyun sighs, turning his back to Beomgyu and lifting him up. He's really not that heavy, so he wonders if Kai just wanted to put him down.

○●○

The following morning, the three go to the cafe near the art building for some easy, filling hangover food. Taehyun, who drank the least, seems fine, casually eating his parfait. Kai, who definitely was not sober last night, occasionally rubbing his head as he tries to eat his pastry. Beomgyu however, had to borrow sweats from Taehyun for the night, opting to wear them to the cafe. He palms his eyesockets to help surpress the headache pounding at his skull, trying his best to nibble at the muffin in front of him.

"How is it my-" Taehyun begins but is cut off by groaning from the other two.

"Shut the fuuuuuuuck uuuuuup, Gooooooood." Beomgyu groans the loudest, most bothered by the slightest of noises. "Fuck when is this Aleve going to kick in..."

"I'm not the one who drank more than what I could handle." Taehyun remarks.

"And I actually thought _you_ would, Hyun." Beomgyu surprisingly contributes to the conversation.

"Nah, I remembered I had some research to do after the party." Which isn't a lie. After he was sure the other two were sound asleep, he pulled up some articles on that producer who takes advantage of his female idols. Im Sanghoon. Was somehow pardoned for his mistreatment by the courts, saying it wasn't a real issue and the girls were asking for it, claiming everything to be consensual. Reading the articles made his blood boil. He hates people in power.

Beomgyu shakes his head, looking up at the younger with his eyes red and squinty, "You and your damn grades." He takes a bite of his muffin and returns to his original position.

Taehyun raises an eyebrow, missed by the other, "I'm studying to become a doctor?"

"Good for you. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." Taehyun catches the personal bitterness in his tone. He knew he was an undecided major, just doing his basics, but his time is running short on that path. Soon, he'll have to pick something to get his bachelor's degree in. For now, Taehyun decides to drop that topic, not wanting to go further and make the other upset.

After breakfast, the three go their separate ways. Beomgyu goes back to his dorm to rest, Kai goes to hang out with some friends, and Taehyun goes back to the dorm to study.

As he walks back into the dorm, he can't help but think about that shitty producer. People like him should just drop dead, but is he the person to really decide that? He pulls the notebook out of his sidetable drawer and stares at it for a moment.

_Is this the right thing to do?_

He creaks the book open, looking at the last name he wrote down, the name of his sisters killer. His blood begins to simmer, thinking about how things can be different if he just writes his name down. Maybe he can make a difference before things get any worse. Maybe this book has the potential to be good? He doesn't know the idol girls, only having heard of one on the radio, but he hates bullies, he hates people in power.

That's when he grabs a pen.

_Im Sanghoon._

He ponders for a moment, he never actually thought _how._ After anothet moment of thought, he jots down the cause.

_Stroke_ _._

A sporadic happening, that can happen to any healthy person, that can cause them to drop dead at any moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!! Two things to be named are the cafe and the shinigami, but I would like to leave those up to you guys! So, if you want something of your idea in this story, be sure to add a comment! I'm trying not to name the shinigami Ryuk, I want it to be a whole new character.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! so the beginning of this chapter is my favorite thing i've ever written, like ever. but i hope you guys like this chapter!! hopefully it isn't rushed.

Money can buy anything. It can buy some food for the week, a shirt for your back, a place for you to live, a car for you to drive. It can make your whole life by buying your education, or it can buy you the means to destroy it. Money can pay off a loan, money can pay off a lady not to sue. Money can purchase a nice coffin for you sister, or it can show you the whole world with a plane ticket.

But money doesn't have to be spent. It can be saved, for your son's education, your next furry friend, a game system to occupy your free time. It can be stolen, burned, or hoarded. It could be used as the paper for someone's next joint or a piece of paper to write your date's number on.

So what exactly is money? It's whatever it is worth to you in that moment.

For Taehyun, it's the thing he hates Beomgyu for using on him, watching him slide the $20 to the cashier in exchange for some coins and food. Meeting the other with a grin, he repeats a question he can't help but ask, "Why do you always buy me food?"

The two make their way to their usual spot in the cafe, near the back where no one can bother them. The other hums in response, "Why do you care?"

"Because I can buy it myself, hyung. You don't have to pay for me every time." The two take their usual seats, right across from each other, but not getting too comfy as they see the cashier take their order to the kitchen and a barista starts on their drinks.

The older places his chin in his hand and gazes at the other, "Oh, but I want to. It feels nice."

The younger can't help but shift slightly under his eyes, the deep brown irises he'd gladly drown in. Eyes are the windows to the soul, but the glare of every sparkle in contrast with the dark can make some of the prettiest parts hard to see. Some people say they don't like brown eyes, whether they're too boring or common, but Taehyun loves them. The way they naturally glimmer under light, making them look truly magnificent. He can't seem to peel his sight away, something making him lost in them like a mysterious set of trees, but kind enough to lend him a hand to not get spooked from the uneasy feeling setting in.

The dinging of a bell catches Taehyun's attention, startling him like a random branch getting crunched under the weight of his foot, making him jump up and scurry to the counter for a breather. He stares for a moment at the drinks in his hands, a familiar but comforting feeling covering him like a soft blanket.

"Whatcha smiling at?" Beomgyu playfully asks the other who sets the drinks down.

"Huh?" the younger looks at the older with a somewhat lost expression, but clears it with a small shake of his head, "Oh, nothing."

Beomgyu doesn't pry any further, knowing it's a dead end topic, so he opts for something more expanse, "How was your last few days, since the party?"

A small question for him, but a loaded one for Taehyun. That Sunday, he remembers Kai coming into the room, on the line with someone, and mid-conversation him mentioning _"Im Sanghoon died? Seriously? Isn't he awfully young for a stroke?"_ Which sent Taehyun into a frenzy for the rest of the day. Thankfully, he didn't have another panic attack, but his nerves were definitely on edge that day, making him break down in the shower and get very little sleep that night. Monday wasn't much better, finding out there was a test he forgot to study for. Walking out of the lecture hall that day with sobs that wracked his body with all the force of a tsunami that only broke once he reached the restroom. It's Tuesday and he can't help but feel nervous for the results, so he guesses Beomgyu sensed his nerves.

"It was fine. Uneventful at that." Taehyun settles for in response.

Beomgyu simply nods, traveling onto his next question, "Are things okay? Since like.... uhm.." he trails off at the end, not sure how to phrase such a spesific thing. The way the energy in Taehyun's body shifts is indescribable, making the other aware he hit a sensitive point with the way the younger's face drops. He quickly tries to backtrack, not to make the other uncomfortable, "Oh, hey, shit," he stutters out, "I'm sorry, Hyun. I didn't think-" Then a ding cuts him off from his explanation, making him look in the direction of the counter, where their food waits to be taken. "I'll go get the f-"

"I'll get it." Taehyun stands from his seat and makes a B-line for the counter. He starts to feel an aching in his chest and his body begins to tense. He thanks the cashier for the food and makes his way back the table. He never actually sees the other's face, just placing the plates down and slumping into his seat. As soon as he relaxes, his body tenses again, causing his legs to shake uncontrollably.

"Hyun, look, I'm sorry. I should have just kept my mouth shut."

"Just drop it." He swallows down a feeling blocking his throat. Taehyun doesn't exactly know what to feel in the moment. He's not anxious or angry, but he's definitely not emotionless. It's been a month since she was taken from this world, but still too soon for it to be table talk.

_You're just a joke to him._

_She's just a topic to him._

"Hyun, I-"

"Please, stop." The straining in his voice forces his words as a whimper, setting off more alarms for the older. He still hasn't glanced up at the boy across from him, but the next thing he hears is the ruffling of napkins, clinking silverware, and sees a napkin in his field of vision.

_Crybaby. Just put on a show for him._

He knows it's tears he's trying to hold back, the stinging in his eyes isn't kind. He knows some have seeped onto his cheeks, as a cool wind from the fan swifts under his face. He knows he's holding in his breath when the boy tells him to breathe. Taking a breath in is violent, causing his whole body to shudder and an ugly noice escaping his mouth. The exhale isn't any easier as the tears fall with, dripping into his lap. After another breath, he feels the weight of the seat shift next to him and arms wrap around, enveloping him in a comforting warmth. His body molds into a matching shape, letting the now warm tears soak the other boy's shoulder. Neither if the boys worry about the food getting cold, more occupied with the warmth of each other.

Fingertips begin to skate across Taehyun's head, resembling a graceful ice skater dancing upon his hair as tingles accompany. The sound of skates knicking the ice can be heard in the coos Beomgyu gives. Their knees bump a few times from their closeness, not bothering either of the two.

"Are you feeling any better?" The older's voice breaks into the moment, noticing Taehyun has calmed to a few hiccups.

Raising his face from his shoulder, Taehyun feels the warmth slowly leave his face, but return once more, up to his ears, by seeing how close Beomgyu is. The feeling was similar to looking at pictures of someone your whole life then finally meeting them in person. A relaxing feeling like finally seeing your bed after a long shift at work. The sudden thrill of receiving money for your birthday.

But to Taehyun, Beomgyu was worth more than that.

He nods, following the elder's question, seeing the napkin crumpled in his hand make his way to his face, gently dabbing around his cheeks to absorb any moisture, and he lets him, fluttering his eyes closed to feel the coarse exterior touch his skin. His eyes open to the sudden lack of touch, everywhere, watching the older make his way back to his seat. He notices the red on his ears, as the small smile to accompany, causing him to smile back, "Thank you." he murmers quietly. He hears the other respond, but doesn't catch it, "What did you say?"

"Oh, I said 'you're welcome.'" And immediately going down to his food, letting the younger follow suit.

But he knows that's not what he said. He counted the syllables mindlessly, it doesn't match up. So the voices make sense of it for him.

_What was I suppose to do?_

○●○

The next day, things didn't get easier. Taehyun recieved the results of his test, and he failed. He has never seen his name on a failed test before. The lowest he's ever seen was a B. He feels his chest swell at the sight of it. Thumbing through, he's never seen so many x marks in his life. He reads the questions thoroughly, not even recalling any information from the marked questions. He would say he feels like a lucky pirate or a pubescent boy finding an adult movie, but he's supposed to be a doctor. Failure isn't an option. This information could cost someone's life one day.

Bringing him out of his thoughts, the professor makes an announcement, "Alright, hope you all are satisfied with your test results. Those of you who failed, you know who you are, study harder next time." however, he's brought into new thoughts, "So, if you all could pass your homework assignments to the end of the row so I can collect them. Thank you."

_Homework? Assignments?_

Taehyun doesn't recall any homework from last class. He just stares at the blank paper for notes in front of him, as he begins to feel dizzy. Just like his vision, the world doesn't stop for him, as he hears a _Psst_ to his right. He looks over and sees a stack of papers being handed to him. Then to his left, realizing he's the end of the row. He can't look at his professor and hand in nothing. _There's nothing wrong with me. I'm okay._

Seeing his professor make his way up the stairs and hearing his name being called over the kickdrum of his heartbeat, he makes a flight decision. He grabs his backpack off the ground next to him and books it out the door. He knows everyone's staring, making whispers of him, even the professor tries to call of him, but nothing to stop him from leaving the classroom.

He tries not to trip over himself walking down the hallway, feeling everyone's angry and judgemental eyes glued to him through their classroom door windows. But he has to make it back to his dorm, as much as he wants to collapse.

But that's when he sees one of his teachers turn the corner, recognizing him instantly, but Taehyun puts his head down and busts into the closest bathroom. Finding the handicap stall, he locks it and brings himself to the floor in a panting, shaking mess. He covers his head with his hands and brings them to his knees, in a ball. His throat feels constricted but he can't bring himself to cry.

When two high pitched voices enter the public restroom, he freezes, raising his head and checking out the stall. There was a trash can with a plastic sheet lazily draped over the edge, a printed and laminated sign telling the users to dump all feminine products into the trash cans, a dispenser on the wall for tampons and condoms. That's when his stomach drops.

"Eunha, listen, this shit is serious. My dad's boss is abusing his power." He hears the clang and lock of the stall doors. He wishes he could teleport out of this stall, out of this building, out of this city, because he feels awful for having to hear such a private matter for girls.

"Sowon, I swear, it'll be fine." The other girl tries to reassure.

The girl, Sowon, gives a sigh, "No, this fucking asshole is stealing money from the paychecks! It's barely enough to keep a roof over our heads. My mom had to get a job." There's a pause as a toilet flushes, then the stall door opens back up, "Absolutely fuck Astro accounting and their piss poor hiring system or whatever. I'm going to be homeless." The girl sounds like she's to break into tears.

"Do you even know the name of his boss? You could sue if there's proof." One of the girls turns on the sink, ejecting soap into her hands.

"Fuck, like _Park Ilhoon_? The dude is like, a bajillionaire, keeping all of it in his pocket. But how I don't know how this law shit works. I'm a nursing major."

The other girl gives a chuckle, "Just tell your dad to sue, silly. Anyway, you wanna hear about this guy I'm messing around with?" And the girls abandon the bathroom.

Taehyun can still feel the pounding in his chest as he raises himself from the ground. Still a bit dizzy but not too bad, he unlocks the stall and checks to see if it's clear. When he's sure, he darts out of the bathroom and makes a B-line for the building exit.

○●○

He runs into his dorm and straight to his bathroom, dropping his bag next to the door. He barely noticed Kai skipped his class untill he hears banging at the door, "Tyun? Hey, I thought you had class."

How he just wanted some time alone for a goddamn minute. No distractions, no people, no school, just himself. He decides to smart back, "Right back at you." leaving no room for friendliness in his tone.

"I slept in, you came home a panicked mess. There's a difference." Suddenly, Kai's voice became stern, a tone Taehyun has never heard from the younger. "Look, Beomgyu told me about yesterday. If this is about your sister then just talk to us."

_You're nothing but gossip._

_Your sister is just a topic to them._

"Please just leave me alone." Taehyun responds with the same intensity as the voices, leaving Kai speechless for a moment. It wasn't until now how vicious he realized the voices were. They were angry, painful, evil. They spat the truth when you hated hearing it, because they needed to tell you. Like a scolding parent after their child talks back. He never actually intended to snap at his roommate, but he can't turn back time. All he hears is the jingling of keys and the slam of the door.

A few moments later, he gathers himself off the floor and exits the bathroom. Checking the room, dawning on him that he actually scared Kai off. He slumps onto his bed, fully ready to take a nap, when he hears a throat clearing.

He jumps, looking the cause in the eyes, seeing the shinigami next to Kai's bed. He feels those familiar chills up his spine as it speaks, "Are you going to do it?"

"Am I going to do what?" Taehyun responds, almost frozen in place.

"Are you going to write down his name?"

Taehyun's face morphs into something of horror, "I-I'm not fucking killing my roommate? Are you crazy?"

The shinigami huffs, "Not him. _Park Ilhoon."_

Taehyun thinks back to the girls in the bathroom, one mentioning the boss stealing money. "I- uh, maybe? I mean, is he actually using it for personal gain?"

An eery smile crept onto the demons face, showing it's sharp, jagged teeth, "Exactly that."

Without a second of doubt, Taehyun reaches for the death note in his side table drawer and cracks it open. He grabs a pen and begins scribbling.

_Park Ilhoon._

The demon watches him set the book back into the drawer, "No cause of death?"

Taehyun shakes his head, "No, I'll let karma decide that." No, he doesn't believe in karma, the paranormal, or supernatural, but being as there is a demon in his dorm room, why not leave it up to karma. It might be real.

"You're getting more confident at using the death note." The demon mentions.

Taehyun just shrugs, throwing himself back onto the bed, "Bad people don't deserve good endings."

"You don't have to be so meticulous about names. You can write as many down as you would like." The demon suggests.

"Well, what's your name?"

"Taehyun, you can't kill me off. It doesn't work like that."

"If you're going to keep interrupting my life, I might as well know your name." He props himself on his elbows to look the shinigami in the eyes almost challenging it.

"Phir."

Before Taehyun can respond, he hears the jingling of keys at his door, making his blood run cold, "Fuck."

"No, Phir." The demon reiterates the pronunciation.

Taehyun gets up from his bed, making his way to the door. In a whisper, he tells Phir, "No, you need to hide."

In a panic, he presses his bodyweight against the door, letting the door shut back in on itself. He can hear Kai's concerned voice from the other side, "Taehyun? What's going on?"

In a shakey voice, he spits an excuse out, "I-I'm, uh, n-naked!"

"Why the fuck are you naked?"

"I-I just, uh, changing clothes." He gives another flimsy excuse. He palms his head, knowing this just sucks.

"Well, how long is it going to take you?"

His voice becomes more panicked the more this drags on, "I-I don't kn-know!"

"Taehyun, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

 _There's nothing wrong with me._ He tries to reaffirm himself. He leans his head against the door, trying to pull himself together.

"Look, I got some ice cream since it seemed like you were having a tough time. I-I don't know what's going on but I'm here to be your friend, whether you want to talk or not."

For whatever reason, Taehyun decides to look back at Kai's bed, but doesn't see Phir anywhere. He sighs in relief, as he was not ready to explain a six foot demon in their dorm. Taehyun clears his throat from all of the built up tension, "Hey, sorry, let me just grab some clothes and go into the bathroom."

"That would have been optimal in the beginning." Kai responds with a hint of sarcasm.

After he changes and walks out of the bathroom, Kai looks at him with a heavy expression. Taehyun realizes that he is suspicious.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this chapter is long for two reasons. 
> 
> 1.) I could not Shut The Fuck Up  
> 2.) I've been away for a minute. I had a depressive episode but now We Are Back!!
> 
> this chapter has TWs for blood and talks of suicide. 
> 
> Also, I wanted to try a different chapter format for this chapter, so let me know if you like it!! :)

The sky is a beautiful place, one where most people would like to be. Many hues and emotions, sometimes hiding itself, sometimes breaking down and showing its wrath, people still travel through it, yearn for it, and some live in it forever.

A late night run to the convenience store is where Taehyun finds himself on a Friday night. Opting out of a part two to the previous weeks party. He didn't realize how bad it had messed him up until he failed a test and missed a homework assignment. But he won't let it happen again, just after he picks up a snack for the night and some for the week.

He scoured through various flavors of ramen when the heard the tiniest of sounds. His head popped up, thinking two people had bumped into each other, but looking around, everyone was decently spaced out and minding their own business. He decided to shrug it off, nothing to worry over. Then the noise happened again, but louder, making out more words amongst the noises. Suddenly, he paused as he heard the tiniest of gasps, followed by the sheering sound of a knife being drawn. He's not sure how he managed to hear the choking coughs through the automated doors being shut. But as the coughs turned to gurgling, his vision blurred to a bloody red.

Dropping the items he had picked up through his trip without a second thought, he rushed passed the oblivious people and out of the automatic doors. He couldn't believe no one was going to help, but that's why they're called bystanders afterall.

He kept sprinting, checking alley after alley. Any noise could be of any help, but being as they swarmed around him in all directions, it was hard to pinpoint where they came from. A scream haunting him to his left, quiet cries to his right. It making his head spin to the point of dizziness. He had no way of knowing if he was closer or further, if there was one victim or two, or if it would be easier to just give up and catch his lost breath.

He found himself in an alleyway, one much like all the others he checked, as he positioned himself against the brick wall for support. He digs his phone out of his pocket, with the annoying trembling of his hand, as he struggles to open up the maps app on his phone. He looks around to try to locate himself, wondering where the hell he is, when he hears a quiet sob. He looks in the direction and chills are sent up his spine as he sees a body on the ground. _The body._

_"Y-Yoonsuh..?"_

-Flashback-

Taehyun arrived home at a later time than usual, the darkness creeping over the horizon. He was having dinner with Soobin, the occasion to meet his new boyfriend, Yeonjun. Taehyun thought he was nice, but didn't understand why such a quiet, introverted boy like Soobin would pin after a wild extrovert like Yeonjun. But he brushed it off, not his relationship.

His mother greeted him with a warm smile from the sofa, "Hi, honey. How was Soobin?"

He responded with a simple answer, just wanting to go to his room and relax for the rest of the night. Making his way down the hall to his room, he stops by his sister's door. It's shut, usually open and lively. Quiet cries seeped through the thin door, causing him to give a sympathetic sigh. He sets his bag next to her door, against the wall, and gently knocks against the wood, "Yoonsuh? Can I come in?" He asks loud enough for her to hear but in a comforting tone.

A few seconds pass and a deflated "Yeah." comes from the otber side.

He carefully turns the knob and sticks his head in first. The room is dark, only lit up by the streetlight perring through the blinds. His sister is curled up on the floor, using her bed as a back rest. He closes the door behind him for privacy. "Hey, what happened?"

A shakey breath is inhaled, and words come out in the form of mumbles, "I got asked out as a prank."

Another sympathetic sigh escapes his lips as he sits next to her on the floor bringing his little sister into a comforting hug. She breaks into another crying spell, tears pooling on his shoulder. He lets her cry it out. He knows guys are jerks.

Taehyun dated a guy when he was 16, a year ago. It was nice for the few months, going on dates, studying together, cuddling occasionally. Until the day Soobin came to him and broke the news that he was out with some girl, holding hands and stealing kisses in the mall. He felt sick, for one, the boy would never let them have PDA in public, in fear of any homophobic comments they would get, and two, because he was cheated on in his first relationship.

So, Taehyun hearing what Yoonsuh's crush did to her made him seethe. "I'm going to beat his ass up." He said through clenched teeth.

Yoonsuh's head pops up, showing worry in her expression, "What? Taehyun, no! Don't do that!"

"Why? He deserves it. No one should fucking treat you like that." He tries to say calmly, wiping the tears from her cheeks with his sleeve.

"But I wasn't physically hurt, Tyun." She retorts.

"No, but you need to look out for red flags. This is from experience. You know I got played." His emotions are getting the best of him, he hates seeing his sister like this.

"What are you even talking about? You got cheated on, that's way worse."

"Guys don't take love seriously, Yoon." He says as serious as possible. She takes a pause, connecting the dots between the situations. "I just don't want to see you hurt."

\---

His blood runs cold, cold enough to freeze as he's frozen in place. The long, medium brown hair, porcelain skin, petite figure, an outfit she dawned fresh out of the weekly load of laundry, the worn down Converse shoes. But covered in red, so much red. The frozen blood in his system cracks as he falls to his knees, his sight never leaving the girl.

"T-Taehyun..." She manages to say. It doesn't feel real to him, nothing feels real anymore. He feels like he's watching himself from afar but still somehow in his physical body. He breaks his eyes from his sister for a moment, looking at his hand, palm to back, the way they tremble, multiply, and blur after a moment.

He felt the tears fall on his hands, startling him at first, but bringing his hands to his cheeks and vigerously wiping the streams away.

They can't seem to stop falling.

He doesn't feel in control anymore.

He hears her voice call, but it feels so distant.

Is he screaming?

He hears his voice, for a moment then everything fades to a darkness.

○●○

The darkness clears to a blinding light, causing his eyes to squint. Taehyun brings a hand up for some coverage, noticing the tile ceiling he's looking at. Then he notices he's in a bed, with blankets over him, but they're not his, and it's not that comfortable. His vision adjusts to the light finally and notices the interior of the new room. Baby blue walls, graced with thrift store decor of flowers. There's a TV in front of the bed, on a beige cabinet with metal details, a clean finish. The windows are covered by a white curtain, but still dark outside. Then a beeping catches his attention, a heart monitor, and a bag of fluids half gone, attached to his arm. His jacket and shoes are perched on a chair to the other side of the bed, leaving him in his black jeans and tee shirt. But there's a second chair, with a conked out Kai slumped in it.

Before he can try to wake up the boy, the door swings open, to another boy in a yellow and black flannel, curly black hair, and holding three drinks in his hands. Beomgyu looks shocked when he makes eye contact with him, "Taehyun? Holy shit, are you okay?" He rushes over, setting the drinks on the side table next to the bed.

It takes a moment for Taehyun to muster any kind of thought, having just woken up. His throat is so dry, which leads to his voice cracking, "What happened?"

Beomgyu grabs one of the drinks from the table, handing it to Taehyun, "Sit up and drink." And he obliges. Beomgyu sits on the edge of the bed watching the younger take a slow drink. He takes the drink after Taehyun is done and sets it back on the table, "You know Sunghoon? The figure skater from our Pre-Calculus class last semester? He found you passed out a few blocks from the dorms. He called an ambulance and Kai, and Kai told me at the party since we're close."

Taehyun takes a moment to think. He recalls shopping at the convenience store, but the memory is quite fuzzy. Everything else feels like a dream, like a dark labyrinth he was unable to return from. Trying to recall any further sends chills up his spine and an eery feeling through his soul, pressing his hands to his head and dragging them down. His lower lids pull with his fingertips, giving him the sanpaku gan whites. "How long was I out?"

A few minutes shouldn't have been worrisome, very normal for a syncope, a vasovagal syncope at that. But when Beomgyu tells him an hour and a half, he shudders. "Why? Is that bad? Well, obviously it is, passing out isn't good-"

"I'm not suppose to be out that long. Like ten minutes at most and thats getting severe. Passing out doesn't require an ER trip." He sighs, rubbing his eyes with his hands and covering them to form a thought. "Can you get the doctor, please?"

Without skipping a beat, Beomgyu rushes to the door, letting it close back on it's own with a louder than usual shut. Taehyun looks through his fingers and sees Kai stir awake, groaning as he stretches to life. Instead of rushing to Taehyun's side, he remains in the chair, giving a wave of courtesy. A few more moments pass as Beomgyu comes in with the doctor: a brunette with her hair slicked back into a ponytail, shorter than Beomgyu, only reaching to his chin. She didn't look much older than the boys. "Thank you. Could I get you two to leave the room while I speak to Mr. Kang?"

"Oh, no, they're okay." He stops the two boys from politely exiting.

Beomgyu gives a rise of his eyebrow, "You sure, Hyun? We can leave."

Sure, Taehyun wants to say some sappy shit like _You're all I have right now._ But he settles for the simple answer, "It's okay, hyung."

She gives a kind smile and goes to check Taehyun's machinery and fluids, "Taehyun-ssi. How are you feeling?"

"Alive." he gives a lighthearted, sarcastic comment, "I was out for an hour and a half? With just a vasovagal syncope?"

She gives him a look before looking at her Surface Pro, tapping with her pen, "Medical student?"

"Yes."

"Well," she draws out, pulling up his medical file, "When you came in, your fluids seemed low, so we attached an IV to your arm. Under further examination, your body seemed fatigued, which both could explain the time frame. Are you taking care of yourself?"

He never gave it much thought until now, but, no. Not really. School has been stressing him out more, the death note haunts him more than gives him peace of mind. Everytime he thinks to eat, he feels sick and tired, but he doesn't feel he should sleep until his work is done. He looks up at her before explaining himself, "I'm sorry, I never got your name."

"Oh, my apologies. I'm Kim Jihyun, a nurse practitioner." She responds with a small bow.

Suddenly, he regrets keeping the other two in here. He didn't think the conversation would turn to this. He could lie, just say _Yeah, college life is tough_ but he knows this scares him more than his friends worrying about him, even though he hates when they worry. He gives a sigh, giving into his insecurites, dipping his head, and spilling the truth, "I guess... Uhm... Things have been tough since my sister died."

"I'm sorry." She begins, opening another tab in her tablet, "Could you give me some details to help fill in some blanks?"

He gives a gulp, looking at his hands that shake, "Yeah. It- She was sixteen. Struck by a drunk driver." He's then hit with a flashback. The body. The blood. The cries. He tries to surpress his reaction because _now is not the time._ God forbid his friends see him have this psychotic meltdown.

"Take your time. I know it's hard." Jihyun's voice breaks him out of his head. "Can you tell me how long ago it was?"

"Last month." He forces out. He feels his stomach churning at the visions in his head. Was that... real?

"I'm sorry for your loss, Taehyun-ssi. But I will consult with one of my staff to see about a low dosage SSRI for you to try out."

"What's an SSRI?" A slightly groggy voice makes his head turn. Kai has a worried expression to him. Foreign to Taehyun.

Before the nurse can answer, and as Taehyun opens his mouth, Beomgyu says the answer to everyone's surprise "Selective seretonin reuptake inhibitor. Basically an anti-depressant. I use to be on that."

"Well, I'll be back with a perscription soon. Thank you for your time Taehyun-ssi." And with a kind smile, she leaves the room.

The room is stale as she leaves. Taehyun can feel the betrayal from his friends whether they confirm it or not; however, the sick in Taehyun's stomach continues to churn with those damn visions. How could he be so useless in that moment? How is he fit to be a doctor if he can't help his own sister in that moment? He feels so weak.

"Look, it's fine you don't want to talk but stop making yourself suffer." The voice sounds so unfamiliar to him, but hearing that serious voice come from his happy little Beomgyu is enough for him to feel guilty. "You're so fucking smart and I don't want you to lose yourself in the dark parts of your brain. It sucks, so fucking much, and if you fail your classes, it makes you feel useless. But if I see you throwing your life away like I did, I won't hesitate to drag you to your classes."

"Same. I don't know much about depression but I don't want you to slack like I do."

He immediately regrets looking up at his friends, the concerned demeanors from them. It makes him feel small and frail. Next thing he knows is the shutting of his lids, the wetness pattering on his hands, and the warmth of his friends clinging to him snug. Everytime he thinks he has run out of tears, more magically appear.

The rest of the night into early hours of morning is spent in that emergency room, awaiting discharge. Recieving his medication, he was informed the possible side effects from Nurse Jihyun, "This is fluoxetine. We're starting you off at 10mg so your body can get use to it, but if you ever need a higher dosage or a change in medication, don't be afraid to ask. There's possible side effects, like your mood worsening, anxiety, but if it's anything you cannot handle or starts to feel out of control, please contact your doctor immediately. Any other questions?"

Taehyun examines the bottle, looking for any precautions, "Do I have to take it with food?"

"Its recommended but not necessary. Just take it at a time that is most convenient for you, everyday. It's important to not skip doses, especially within the first couple of months." And with that, they leave the emergency room.

Kai decides to head back to the dorm to catch some sleep, after the other two notice him dragging around the college town. Beomgyu and Taehyun are left to their own, on a free day to do whatever. As the clock strikes five am, letting the bell in the center of the town bong, Beomgyu tries to list some things to do, "Well, the Watercolor Café just opened, we can grab some breakfast."

"What? No brunch?" Taehyun replies with a giggle. He doesn't notice the pink highlighting Beomgyu's cheeks in rising dawn, nor the stalling in his step.

Sputtering a bit, Beomgyu tries to form a sentence, "I-I mean, we could wait if you want. I just thought-"

"It's fine, hyung. I was just teasing. I'm hungry and have to take these meds anyway." He lifts up the brown sack that clinks around at any movement.

"Oh, yeah, of course. I gotta take my meds too, but I can do that later."

"Do you forget to take them?" Taehyun questions, turning his head to face the older. Many more questions swarm through his mind at the unfamiliarity of this new situation.

"Eh, sometimes, but it doesn't really effect me anymore. I've been taking them for about a year now." Beomgyu pauses for a bit, having a feeling the other is curious, and for good reason.

Taehyun breaks the pause with another question, "What made you start taking them?"

It takes a moment for the older to respond, bringing his hands together to pick at his nails subconsciously, "One of my teachers actually started noticing my change in behavior. It was my second semester of college, second time I had her as a teacher, so when I stopped attending classes and struggling with assignments, she started worrying about me. At first, I didn't really like how a teacher was prying into my life like this, but after she hit me with the hard truth that I could flunk out because of some undiagnosed depression, I took her more seriously. She saved my ass, in all of my classes, reassured it was my mental illness and not that I'm a lazy piece of shit." He took a sigh and looked toward the sky, "So, I really don't think you're one to blab, but I trust you anyway." He took another pause, biting his lip and shutting his eyes, "I wanted to end my life." Taehyun's eyes widened at the confession, but let him speak further, "It was the first week of taking my meds, and I got a whole bunch of negative side effects. I felt shitty, like I was just wasting everyone's time, and it would be better if I wasn't on the Earth." another pause, more weighted than any of the others previous. Taehyun held his breath, assuming the next words out of his mouth but wanting, wishing, they wouldn't escape his beautiful lips. However, they did.

_"I took a bunch of pills I got from a dealer I knew and overdosed. Intentionally."_

A sour chuckle escaped Beomgyu's lips, the kind to make it so painfully obvious of his struggles. "That was by far the worst hospital visit. I haven't been in an ER room since that day, so seeing one again was kind of nerve-wracking. But I still don't know who saved me."

"I'm glad you're still here, hyung." Taehyun gives the older a smile. When Beomgyu turns his head to look at the other, he can see the puffiness around his eyes. The two stall under a lamp post as they stare at each other.

The older returns the smile, sad but hopeful, "Yeah, me too, Hyun." Then his face shifts to something more concerning, "If you ever feel like pulling something stupid like me, do not hesitate to call me. I'd rather see you at your weakest than you dead."

Taehyun doesn't know how to respond to that. He's never considered suicide before. But changing the narrative to if he would say that to Yoonsuh, made him nod, understanding where he's coming from.

"Even if you just feel sad and need a distraction, I'm here for you. Always." Something about Beomgyu's words, that _Always_ makes his heart tingle in a way so unfamiliar. He could easily mistake it for a panic attack, the way his heart pounds against his ribcage. Maybe it's easier to label it as a panic attack, instead of finally facing the feeling head on. Beomgyu knows the way his heart thumps in a panic attack, but not the way it thumps for him, and that's enough to make Taehyun's heart beat differently. Besides, Beomgyu is straight for all Taehyun knows. He can't pin over a straight guy. Beomgyu's voice creeps it's way into Taehyun's ears again, "Do you want to come to my dorm after we eat? I have like, Mario Kart."

Taehyun gives the older a toothy grin at his handsome awkwardness. The cool breeze of the March morning breaks the moment up, causing the two to shiver, "Yeah, I'd like that. But let's go eat, it's freezing."

_"But, out of curiosity, does that dealer go to school here?"_

Taehyun asks as they trek the short distance to the café, being closeby anyway. Beomgyu shoots him a look, "You're not doing stupid shit." He tells him, in a voice so stern. Demanding, scary, but full of care.

"No, no, no. Just so I know to stay away from them." He half lies.

Beomgyu gives a sigh as they approach the door of the café, "Yeah. Senior. _Park Jaebom._ "

The name rings familiarity to Taehyun, "Pharmacology major?"

"Oh, yeah, your minor is in that pharmacy stuff." Beomgyu thinks aloud, holding the door open for Taehyun. The two walk into the café, the fresh aroma of brewing coffee hitting their noses. The two walk up to the counter, awaiting a cashier.

"Yeah. Just his name sounds familiar but I don't think I've seen him before."

At that moment, their usual cashier comes out from the kitchen, giving them a kind smile, "Well good morning. Very early for you two. Is it like a morning date this time?" She begins tapping the Square cash register in front of her.

Both of the boys eyes widen at the question. _A date?_ Taehyun questions to himself. _Beomgyu is straight oh my God._ "Oh, no! We're not-" Taehyun begins.

Beomgyu clears his throat, drowned in awkwardness, "We're just getting food."

 _We're just getting food._ Taehyun repeats in his head. _That doesn't address anything._

_Don't get too ahead of yourself, Taehyun. He doesn't like you like that._

Beomgyu is already finished ordering by the time Taehyun snaps out of it. Taehyun orders as the comment stays fresh on his mind.

_Stop overthinking._

_You're pathetic for thinking he would like you back. Have you seen him? No one as handsome as that gives a shit about people like you._

_Stop being delusional. You're just a pawn. Someone to use._

"Guys, your drinks are ready!"

"I'll get them." Beomgyu gets up from his seat. Taehyun's eyes follow him to the counter, where he gives the cashier a big smile. He looks away from the two.

_He comes for the girl, dipshit._

"Hey, you okay?" Beomgyu sits across from him, passing his drink to him, followed by the pill bottle in the bag.

Taehyun swallows, hard, trying to gather himself from the crushing blows in his head, "Yeah, sorry, just lost in thought." He pops open the pill bottle, letting a pill fall in his hand. An oval shaped green pill. It doesn't look depressing. Usually they're described as blue, to reflect the emotions into the hand, just to swallow it back down. But green is easier, popping it in his mouth and taking a drink.

Soon enough, Beomgyu gives him a grin, accompanied with an applause, "First anti-depressant down! I'm proud of you!" He throws some silly air punches for added effect, "Take that, depression!"

Taehyun can't help but laugh at the older, "Hyung, it's not that big of a deal."

Beomgyu ignores the younger, keeping on with his supportive antics, "Kick it's ass, Taehyun! Little pussy ass bitch ass depression!"

Taehyun's cheeks beat red at the swears coming from the olders mouth, "Hyung! Stop! Oh my God!"

Beomgyu notices the pink stained on the youngers cheeks and begins wiggling his eyebrows at the younger, "What? I'm just swearing. Or is it, I dunno, kinda sexy? Oh." he keeps the seductive tone, "You wanna play footsie? Cu- OW! What the fuck!"

"I kicked you shins."

Beomgyu reaches under the table to rub his legs, "Yeah, got that, but why?"

"Your food is ready!" The cashier, thankfully, saves Taehyun from that situation.

"You get it. I'm injured." Beomgyu gives a pout to the younger, making the younger roll his eyes.

The rest of breakfast goes nicely, talking about whatever comes to mind. The leave the café as the sun starts to rise. Taehyun doesn't admit it, but he admires the way Beomgyu complements the blooming colors in the sky. The way his face lights up, his eyes brush over each color. Wishing he would do the same to him. He's never been called beautiful, by anyone, not even his first boyfriend, so he can't begin to imagine the feeling of it coming from Beomgyu. But the way he describes the pinks in the sky, fading into the bright of the sun, describing the way he'd wish the sky was never blue because this is much more beautiful; however, accepting the blue for what it is, saying it's beautiful too. Taehyun gets a good idea of the meaning of the word beautiful.

Sometimes the sky isn't to be seen, as you step indoors and stare at a screen. Sometimes moments like these can be beautiful too. The roar and excitement of besting your friend at his own game, or the stillness of laying in bed and watching a movie, and another, until the sun has set.

The shut of a door causes Taehyun to open his eyes. He looks around at the room, Beomgyu's room, illuminated by the yellow bulb of his lamp. The sheets of the bed are peeled back, the mattress curved where someone had been. On the side table, the lamp, accompanied with a laptop opened to an essay and a clear glass with a puddle of dark liquid at the bottom. The walls are covered with posters, and the wall above the desk next to the bed has a corkboard hung on it. Pictures are pinned to the board, with mostly unfamiliar faces, but one beautiful face in common.

He sits up in the bed, his throat a sticky dry from what he knows is his snores. The pressure in his ears feels uneven, stuffy in the side that was once pressed against the pillow. His lips feel chapped as he rubs them together, an urge to tug at the dry skin with his teeth but decides against it as the door clicks again, exposing a Beomgyu holding a wad of clothes and a toothbrush held in his cheek. He doesn't recall ever seeing the boy in a t-shirt and gym shorts, and neither a hair clip, and his face is oddly bare, showing a few acne scars. He never noticed Beomgyu wore makeup, even just light.

He watches the older look up at him and begin to laugh. Through a toothbrushed mouth, he mutters, "Give me a second." as he goes back into the bathroom to rinse out his mouth. He comes back out and walks over to his chest of drawers, dumping his wad of clothes in a hamper. "Sorry, I thought you were out."

"For how long?" Taehyun asks, sleep laced in his tone.

The older smiles at him, crossing the room, "Like, six hours. You fell asleep through Your Name, which personally I find offensive." He chuckles, standing at the side of the bed, "Do you want some pajamas or something?"

"Pajamas?" Taehyun cocks his head to the side, scratching the side of his head.

"Yeah, it's like nine, almost ten. So maybe like seven hours, I didn't really keep count." Taehyun's eyes widen, not realizing his unexpected nap turned into a hibernation. "It's fine, don't worry. You sleep rather cute."

Taehyun feels his cheeks burn at the compliment, letting his eyes dart away from the older, "I snore."

In a baby tone, Beomgyu coos, "Awh, you're so sewf cowncious." He turns away and walks to his chest of drawers, "I just don't want you to walk home on your own after last night, so stay?" He walks back to the bed with a shirt and gymshorts. Taehyun takes them with a bit of hesitation, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

He walks out with his wad of clothes, placing them next to his jacket and shoes. His throat still feels dry from sleep, "Hey, where did you get that drink from?"

Beomgyu, with his laptop in his lap, and refilled drink, looks up, "You mean the rum?"

"No, like, water." He raises his eyebrow, "I thought that was soda. Why are you drinking?"

The older gets up and walks over to his desk, opening the minifridge to the side. He pulls out a bottle of water and hands it to the other. He shrugs at his later question, "I just had the taste for alcohol. Usually I'm out partying at this time."

"Why are you not partying now?" He cracks open the bottle and takes a drink.

"Some things are more important."

_It's his essay, not you. Selfish brat, not everything is about you._

"Is the essay due this week?" Taehyun asks, following the boy to the bed.

Beomgyu lets him crawl in first, so the charging cable doesn't lay over him, "No, just felt like getting ahead." He sits next to Taehyun in the full sized bed, only given to single dormers. He picks up the remote on the side table and hands it to Taehyun, "You can watch TV if you want. My brain is already getting tuned out of the essay."

He takes the remote from the older and makes a snarky remark, "Maybe it's the alcohol."

"No way. It takes more than two drinks to get me buzzed."

"Oh, so, like, three."

Beomgyu gives a look that sends daggars, "Shut up, lightwight."

"I paced myself."

"You could take a shot right now and be fucked up."

"Bet." Taehyun says before he registers it. He feels Beomgyu leave the bed and open his fridge, bringing out a bottle of what he's drinking.

He hands it to the younger, "Sorry, I don't own a shot glass."

Taehyun takes it from Beomgyu, the feeling of regret washing over him as he opens the bottle and takes a sip. He scrunches at the taste, "Yuck, how do you drink this?"

"Fast." Beomgyu sits back down next to the younger. "You literally do not have to drink."

The younger doesn't respond, he just puts the bottle back to his lips and takes gulps. Why? His sister visited his dream a while ago. He's felt heavy since. As he gulps down more, he realizes the alcohol is just a chaser for the shit that plagues his mind. The more he drinks, the better it tastes. The warmth from the burn feels like a hug, one he needed all along. It's comforting, it's dark, but so is he.

He feels the bottle eased away from him, not by his own doing, "Easy, easy, dear lord." Beomgyu places the bottle on his nightstand, a concerned look on his face, "First of all, that's expensive."

"It actually did taste pretty good." Taehyun gives a cheerful grin to the other, missing the other's sigh.

"No more alcohol for you. I'm banning it."

"I just started!" Taehyun retorts.

"And you're finished."

"You brought it out."

"Yeah, I did, and I'm sorry." Beomgyu hides his face in his hands, "You're going to be so fucked up in a few minutes."

The room has a heavy silence for a few minutes. Long enough for the alcohol to start taking effect. Taehyun wouldn't describe it as spinning, but he definitely felt funny. It was actually funny to him, like he discovered a new joke that gave him an instant serotonin boost. No, more like dopamine. He can't help but start giggling.

Beomgyu shoots him a look that forms into a small smile, "You good?"

Taehyun smiles back at him, fondly, "Yeah. I feel good." He begins to struggle with his words, having to put more effort into his speech than usual. The feeling makes him laugh again, because its the easiest thing to do.

Taehyun could have sworn he saw Beomgyu bite his lip, but it could have been the distorted vision. It doesn't stop his cheeks from glowing red, all the way up to his ears.

"Here, why don't we turn on a movie." Beomgyu grabs the remote from Taehyun's lap, turning on the TV and sifting through Netflix. "A Silent Voice is really good."

"Yeah, I liked it." Taehyun looks at the screen, "Oh, Naruto? Sasuke's hot in Shippudden." Taehyun realizes what slipped out of his lips, smacking his hands over them.

Beomgyu breaks into a hysterical laugh, "Excuse me, what?!"

Taehyun just shakes his head, but also breaks in to a laugh, "I'm stupid, don't listen to me!"

"Oh, no, now I'm going to tease you about that all night." He clicks on the movie, waiting for it to load, "So, your type is pretty boys with long, black hair, hmm?"

"SHUT UP!" Taehyun exclaims, a bit too loudly.

Beomgyu chuckles, his seductive voice from the café back to taunt Taehyun, "So, I got it right the first try. Anything else to note?"

_That my type is brown eyes that twinkle in the light, a cute laugh that's horribly contagious, deep dimples that make him want to dive in an drown. Nope, nothing else._

The movie starts, which makes the boys be quiet. Taehyun magically makes it through the first scene without crying, though he definitely wanted to. Beomgyu drinks the rest of his glass, submitting to the domestic drunk atmosphere. Taehyun can feel the tenseness radiating off of the other when Shoya is seen making his calendar. It suddenly clicks that he doesn't know why Beomgyu chose this movie. It's about two depressed and suicidal teenagers. He looks over at the older who stares at the screen in front of him. It's a look he saw earlier today, when discussing that _time._ Taehyun wants to cut the movie off, but Beomgyu chose it.

"It's really good at depicting the weight of hopelessness." He continues to look at the screen. Taehyun turns his head back to the screen, watching Shoya's mother burn the check.

"Why did you pick this movie?" Taehyun asks. His mouth still getting ahead of his brain.

Beomgyu gives a shrug and a lazy response, "I dunno. It's pretty." A pause takes the space until he breaks it, "I also have a type for pretty things."

"What's pretty to you? In like the deep, philosophical sense."

"Funny you clarified when it's already a question of opinion." Beomgyu gives a chuckle before picking up the bottle Taehyun once drank from. In the pause to think, he takes a drink, "I think pink is pretty. Like rosey pink cheeks." Taehyun grabs at the bottle after Beomgyu sets it down. To his surprise, Beomgyu lets him take it. It's definitely lighter than before, and tipping it back makes him realize there was about two shots left, emptying the bottle.

Taehyun poits at the bottle, long enough for the older to notice and laugh at him, "You good?"

"Ran out." He says with a frown.

The older giggles and takes the bottle from him, getting up and dumping it into tge trash can. He goes to his fridge and grabs two smaller glass bottles of clear liquid. "Soju?"

Taehyun enthusiasticly nods, watching the smile come closer to the bed. He takes the bottle and twists it open, taking a drink. He sighs, remembering the reason he drank. "Hey." He starts and the older looks at him.

"What's up?"

"I- earlier I had a dream about my sister." He says in a deflated tone. What he didn't expect was the older to move closer and to wrap an arm around him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Beomgyu grabs the remote and turns down the volume, giving his full attention to the younger.

It takes a moment for Taehyun to muster the words, so he just nods to hold the pause. "She... In the dream... I was the one that found her." Soon enough, he realizes he's not talking about the dream. He's talking about the night before. But Beomgyu doesn't know that, he just rubs soothing circles into Taehyun's back, "I felt frozen, useless. I couldn't help her. I was second guessing my degree, my status as a good brother." He feels his voice crack and his cheeks feel wet, "She kept calling for me and I couldn't do anything to help her." His body begins to shake with how heavy his breath is, feeling himself break into a sob, "I can't do anything anymore! I-I don't have my sister anymore!" He tries to force out more to say but he's held back by the sobs drowning him.

Beomgyu sets their drinks on the side table and brings Taehyun into a bear hug. Tucking his legs under himself and holding the younger close to him. He lets him sob into his chest. He tries to whisper encouraging words in his ear, but with the more he sobs, the older doubts he's paying attention.

"God, I feel so useless." Taehyun begins between cries.

"Don't say that."

"No, I can't get anything to work for me in this fucking world. My sister dies, I'm depressed, the only love I ever had cheated on me with a girl because he couldn't bare to be seen in public with me. Fuck!" He doesn't mean to but he hits his balled up fist on Beomgyu's shoulder. It, however, didn't phase the older.

Beomgyu unravels the balled up fist, gently sliding his fingers between the younger's. "Hyun... Shhh... Listen to me..." Taehyun's sobs calm for a moment, feeling their fingers intertwined like matching puzzle pieces. He raises his head to look at them, watching the older gently squeeze his hand. "There you are." The younger looks at him, a kind smile on his face. He starts wiping the tears off his cheeks, "Bad things happen in life, we can't stop them. What happened to your sister is tragic, and I empathize with you. If I lost my brother, I would be way worse than you. So in that sense, you are strong. Depression is a pain in the ass, but you have to be a pain right back in order to conquer it. And as for your ex? Fuck him. He never deserved someone as kind, wonderful, smart, and _beautiful_ as you." This time when Taehyun's cheeks glow red, they stay that way. It isn't the alcohol or the heat of being _so fucking close_ to his crush.

_Beomgyu thinks he's beautiful._

"In order to heal from the bad shit, we have to find the good things in life. The things that make us want to spend another day on this hell hole. So, tell me, is there anything I can do to help?"

Taehyun is certain he fell asleep during A Silent Voice. There's no way any of this is happening. Beomgyu thinks he's beautiful, they're so close, in Beomgyu's bed, his heart is beating faster than ever. If this is a dream, he'd rather stay in it. If an alarm tries to wake him up, he's going to hit snooze. It's just a dream.

The whole scene plays in slow motion, as Taehyun wishes it would skip to the good part. The hand that rests on Beomgyu's chest grabs a fist full of shirt, grazing across his chest, his heart beat coarsing through his fingertips. Wherever Taehyun takes Beomgyu, he's set to follow. His eyes read the destination, his body starting the journey Taehyun is taking him on. The gap closes and closes. No detours, no traffic, a little slow so Beomgyu steps on the gas. The destination is home. Everything moves in perfect synchronicity. Taehyun magically knows where everthing is, every nook and cranny, but he wants to explore like it's brand new. Every placement has it's purpose. The further he explores, the more he loses himself.

He pushed into a comfortable position, his head back into the pillow, as the older climbs on top of him. The kiss stays steady, gentle, soft, as Beomgyu cups his cheeks, gliding his thumbs across the soft skin of the younger's face. The older pulls away just an inch, making the younger whine softly. "You're so beautiful but God, you're so drunk." Beomgyu whispers, followed by a quiet chuckle.

"I love you." Taehyun mumbles, looking up at the older. His big eyes hooded, his hair a mess, and his lips starting to swell from the kissing.

He smiles down at the younger fondly, not looking much different, "Go to sleep."

"No more kisses?" Taehyun watches as Beomgyu lays next to him, pulling him into a cuddle.

"Maybe when you're sober." He looks into Taehyun's eyes, putting his hand back on his cheek. Beomgyu watches as Taehyun's eyes shut and sleep overtakes him,

"So pretty..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omgomgomgomg i'm sorry but also !!!!! sorry for not posting, i hope this makes up for it!!
> 
> also, i want to say, i know this work says completed but ITS! NOT! COMPLETED! i just dunno how to change the settings i'm sorry.
> 
> but next chapter we will get back to the death note parts. i rewatched some episodes and got some inspiration :)
> 
> also, i just wanted to say THIS IS NOT LIGHT YAGAMI!! i am not trying to recreate light in any shape, form, or fashion. sorry if you're looking for taehyun projected as light, but this is purely freeform and i plan on sticking to the freeform, even if that means changing some details.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! This is kind of a short chapter, a bit tense. It's not my favorite chapter more of filler with some minor plot points. So, I hope you like it!! Also, YEONJUN RUNWAY MODEL TOMORROW AAAAAA

When is something considered _too far?_ Well, that is up to personal opinion. Sometimes it's a physical attack, and other times it's saying something out of line, or a simple as a glare at the wrong time. Too far is when tensions begin. Tensions can begin in an instant, and they can go down in fourty seconds.

Taehyun wakes up the following morning with a throbbing headache, making him groan as he shoves his face into the pillow. The scent of the pillow is nice, but its not his own. He soon feels fingertips brush his back in comforting circles and a sweet voice cut through the pounding, "Do you need some Aleve?"

He gives a grunt in response, feeling the weight of the bed shift. He peeks his head up to see a freshly woken up Beomgyu opening his minifridge, grabbing a bottle of water. The click of the pill bottle makes him recall the dream he had last night. _Beomgyu kissed him._ His cheeks heat up as he replays the scene, watching the older reach for the bottle in his jacket pocket.

"You have to take your Prozac too." Beomgyu comes back to the bed, pills in hand. Taehyun sits up, wincing at the overwhelming surge in his temple. Beomgyu hands him the three pills and the bottle of water, watching Taehyun throw his head back and swallow them down. "You can go back to sleep if you want."

Taehyun slowly shakes his head in an effort to prevent another surge, "No, it's okay. I overstayed my welcome."

"Never said that. You're always welcome." Taehyun feels another surge overwhelm his temple, making him groan. He feels a tear stream from the painful eye in a response to the pain. Beomgyu wipes the tear from his cheek, "Go back to sleep, Hyun. It's okay."

Taehyun gives in, shoving his face into the pillow once again. Unconsciousness slowly takes him as he sleeps away his headache.

A week passes since that day. Phir shows up to Taehyun more and more as Taehyun finds more people to rid of. A lawyer who played a case unfairly, a doctor who's been using patients, a few more that kind of blur in his memory. Soon enough, a page is filled with names of evil, vile people who don't deserve the life they live.

On Taehyun's way to a party with Kai, he recieves a call on his phone. He looks at the number on his screen, a Busan area code.

"Who's that?" Kai asks, looking at the screen of the phone.

"I dunno. Probably some scam caller. I want to fuck with them." He makes Kai giggle as he hits the green button, bringing the device to his ear, "You have reached the Seoul Sperm Bank! You jack it, we sack it. How may I help you?"

"Taehyun, what the fuck?" A deep voice peels through the receiver, making Taehyun stall in his tracks.

It's been years since he's heard this voice. He never thought he would hear it again, "No..."

"So, you remember my voice?"

He can't help but feel the boiling rage simmer into his throat. He doesn't care that Kai is staring at him, he doesn't care that he's in earshot of other people. His hand grips the phone as tight as his teeth clench together. Through his teeth, he growls, "You motherfucker."

"Tyun, what's wrong?" Kai tries to inch toward the older, but stops when he gives a look that sends daggars.

"Taehyun-" The voice on the other line begins as he cuts it off.

"Where were you at Yoonsuh's funeral?! Huh?! Your own daughter fucking died!" He yelled into the phone. There aren't many words to describe the rage and hurt he felt knowing his father is on the other line after all of these years.

"Taehyun-" His father tries to start again.

"No, fuck you! I'm out trying to have a nice goddamn night for once and you're vacationing in goddamn Busan! Save it. Fucking save it. I don't give a shit. I don't want to hear your voice or your excuses. You left. Stay that way."

"TAEHYUN! FOR FUCKS SAKE!" He father finally shouts back, "I fucked up! I'm sorry!"

"You're not fucking sorry." Taehyun shakes his head.

"I am! Christ. I regret leaving you and your sister. I regret what I did to your mother. She told me to leave, I would have stayed. She didn't give me the option-"

"What did you do to her?" His voice starts to sound a bit weaker, still trying to hold his guard up. He never thought he wanted to know the story, but now that it's presented, he's intrigued.

"I don't think-"

"Tell me what you did." His voice is cold again.

A silence falls between the two before his father speaks up again, "She got mad I was sleeping with other women."

Taehyun can't help but laugh. It starts small but gradually grows into hysterics. "You- You really don't see the problem with yourself, do you?"

"It's not that I didn't love her."

"Then what the fuck is it?!" His voice is cold again, "You had an affair with other women behind my mom's back."

"It happens."

Taehyun shakes his head, rubbing his temple in frustration, "No. No, it doesn't. Fucking block my number." He pulls the phone away from his ear, the shouts from his father growing quieter and quieter until silence when he taps the red button. He immediately presses the _Block Number_ button and slips his phone into his pocket.

Kai looks at him with a wide eye expression, "Holy shit..."

Taehyun gives a deflated chuckle, "Nothing like finding out your dad is a serial cheater." He starts his walk to the party back up, "Come on. I need to get drunk."

At the party, Taehyun makes a B-line for the alcohol, leaving Kai subconsciously, and grabbing the first bottle he sees. He pours the first cup, raises his second to his lips, which turns into a third before he knows it. The burns of the alcohol numbs after his fourth. He doesn't care that he hasn't mingled with anyone yet, just pulling up a stool to the counter and drinking one after another. He knows the weird looks he's getting.

Grabbing for the bottle again, he almost touches hands with someone. He retracts his hand, following the arm up to the owner. A guy, older than him by appearance, with a vertical striped shirt, the top few buttons are undone. His hair is pushed back to expose his undercut. The guy has a nose piercing and a few across his ears, but it suits him. A distracting cigarette hangs between his lips, smoke dancing off the end that needs to be flicked off. He's attractive, Taehyun can't lie, but he's not attracted by any means. "Oh sorry." He mumbles an apology to the guy.

The guy grabs the bottle and refills his drink. He pulls the cigarette from his lips inbetween his two fingers and screws the cap back on the bottle, "Why are you over here being weird?"

 _Ok, rude._ Taehyun reaches for the bottle again, grabbing the neck and untwisting the cap, "I'm getting drunk."

"You could like, go talk to people." The guy puts the cigarette back to his lips.

Taehyun tops off his drink, setting the bottle down with a bit of a slam. He doesn't like this guy's attitude, "Smoking is bad for you."

"Like piling down cup after cup of whiskey." He kicks the end of the cigarette into the sink near him, "People don't do shit like this for their health. It's fun. You make it seem miserable." Taehyun rolls his eyes, putting the cup to his lips. What he was not expecting is the guy to pull out a packet from his pocket and place it in front of him. Taehyun examines it, two pills that look like a piss yellow sugar candy. "Consider it a favor."

"What is this?"

"Sativa tablets." Taehyun keeps staring dumbfounded at him, "Weed pills."

"Oh, no, I don't-"

"What's the difference between drunk and high? It's all intoxication. Besides, marijuana isn't that bad. No preservatives and shit. Grew it in the campus garden. It looks like crabgrass anyway."

"I don't even know you. What makes me think I should trust you?"

The guy leans on the counter, getting closer to Taehyun, "Most of the people at this party are crossfaded off my shit already, and they're regulars. I don't play with bad shit, I need customers or I don't make money." He leans back up, giving him a pat on the shoulder, "And call me Jae."

He watches Jae walk outside of the house then his eyes land back on the packet. He considers it, mainly because of his intoxicated state and the want to numb every negative feeling out. But mixing drugs? That's bad news. He knows about the dangerous of drinking with medication. And the mention that others at this party are crossfaded? He puts the packet in his pocket, making sure nobody at this party gets more intoxicated than they are.

He gets up from his seat, a bit wobbly, but starts walking around to try to find Kai. This party doesn't feel safe anymore. He searches the property, for any hint of his roommate. His hands begin to shake, not sure if it's because of the loud music or the lump in his throat.

Suddenly, the music is too loud, it thumps deep into his body. Feeling the lump turn into a knot, he begins to cough. He leans against a nearby wall, trying to regain a steady breath. His heart is thumping out of his chest and he feels like he's suffocating. He sets his drink next to him as he slides his back down the wall, bringing his head into his hands. Everything is too loud. Every instrument, every voice, every crash. He wants to run, but he can't even begin to know where a door is. He wishes the beating in his chest would just stop, even if it's not back to normal. It's all getting too loud.

_Pathetic._

_Take the pills. They'll make you feel better._

Even the voice is too loud. The heart beats begins to slam in his throat making him viciously cough. He needs air. He needs to get out of here.

_Take the pills._

He tries to block out the voice. It's hard but it's wrong. Usually it's right, but he refuses to listen. Instead he picks himself back up, forgetting his drink, and trying to find his way out of the house. His heart thumps to an unsteady beat, his mind races beyond that of light, his vision begins to blur, making him lean onto a nearby wall for support.

_The pills will calm you down._

He shakes his head, trying to get the voice away from his ears. It's annoying. He's just trying to leave. He knows he looks like someone who's just been shot, leaning on the wall, his hand over his chest, tightly shutting his eyes to see if the blur would go away. It's overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming.

"Tyun? Hey, what's wrong?" He hears Kai speak to him, but its muffled. "Did you drink to much?" He swings the smaller boy's arm over his shoulder and begins leading him out of the house.

"Yeah..." Taehyun mutters as they begin to walk down the sidewalk. Maybe he did? He tries to tell himself that in an attempt to calm down.

"Yeah, I know Beomgyu said something about mixing alcohol and the meds during the first month isn't a good combo."

The two walk quietly back to the dorm, Taehyun eventually regaining himself so they walk side by side. He debates on bringing up the drugs he was handed, but decides to keep it to himself.

○●○

Taehyun skipped class. His Monday morning science class and his afternoon Literature class. He spends most of his day in bed, either sleeping or writing down names and talking to Phir.

He holds up the baggie from the party with the pills in it, "Why can't you tell me who this guy is? Hmm? All I know is his name is Jae."

Phir is comfortably relaxed on Kai's bed, muching on some apples that Taehyun bought the other night, "I'm not helping you. I dropped the notebook simply for my entertainment. I'm not letting you find out people so easily."

Taehyun rolls his eyes, not happy with his answer, "You stalk me every waking day, you've seen him with your own two eyes. Tell me his goddamn name! I want him dead!"

Phir takes another bite of the apple, shaking his head, "Too easy. Not as exciting. It's hard enough watching you scroll through your phone and scribbling shit down every two minutes."

"Please, I'm not your entertainment."

"You are. And you stop being entertaining, I'll just take the book from you."

Taehyun looks up at Phir who has finished all the apples in the dorm, "You can't do that."

"Why not? I have my own book. I'll just write your name and give this to someone more competent. Like that Jae guy."

Taehyun feels a bout of rage boil in him, turning his head to the side, biting his tongue, and going back to his phone to look up more evil people.

"Your life is boring, Taehyun."

"Shut up."

"Your sister dying was the only exciting thing that happened to you."

Taehyun grabs the book and hurls it at the shinigami, just for him to disappear as the book is flung. He groans in anger, "GODDAMMIT!" He picks himself up and goes to pick up the book, but before his fingers touch it, a familar voice tingles his ears.

"Tyun, you okay?" He turns around and sees the beat up converse, the long brown hair.

"Yoonie..." He picks up the book and puts it back in his side table, then gives her a frown. "I, uh, just things are tough."

She sits on his bed, gesturing him to sit with her, "Then tell me about it. I'm here now, aren't I?"

"Are you?" He questions but still sits next to her.

She makes a fake thinking pose, "Hmm, well, we're talking, and you're sitting next to me. So, yeah, I think so. Or are you calling me fake?"

He gives a chuckle, "Okay, okay." and returns to his original state, "I just feel... Wrong."

"Explain. I'm 16, not a therapist."

He leans back onto his bed, feeling drained from already talking about it, "I... Don't know. I just don't feel the same."

"Well, my death was pretty traumatic."

Before he can even think of a response, the door swings open to Kai, holding a bag from the local convenience store. And suddenly, Yoonsuh isn't there anymore. "You had classes today."

"I know, I'm sorry." Is all he's able to respond with, hiding his face in his hands.

"Beomgyu is coming over after his classes."

Maybe it's the irritability from the encounter with Phir, but something about Kai telling Beomgyu just makes him cold, "Oh, so you told him?"

Kai sets his stuff and the bag on his bed, not thinking much about his tone, "Well, yeah. Who else is going to take care of you?"

Taehyun sits up, shaking his head, "I can fucking take care of myself, Kai. I'm not a child."

The younger turns around to look at the older, a confused look on his face, "Tyun? What?"

"What else did you tell him? Huh? That I drank myself away because my shithead of a father called me to tell me he sleeps around?!"

"Tyun-"

"Or that I drank too much while on my meds which he said not to do?"

"Taehyun-"

"No, Kai! And for fucks sake, I'm you hyung! Stop calling me Tyun, you're not my family! Stop talking about me like I'm some kind of entertainment because I'm depressed and my sister fucking died! I'm not your drama! I'm just your roommate! Just stop!" Taehyun stands to his feet, walking towards the door and ignoring Kai's calls for him. He grabs a his hoodie off the rack and exits the dorm, walking aimlessly to wherever.

That's when he ends up at the rooftop of the arts building, looking out over the University, up at the sky, down at the ground and the people below. But his main focus is the sky, as it starts to set on this day. The usual blues fading into a purple as the stars start to make themselves known. He can't help but start to think of Beomgyu, his source of happiness right now. But today, Taehyun is far from that.

"The stars remind you of him?" Taehyun looks across from him and sees Yoonsuh propped on her arms, looking at the sunset behind him.

"The sky, really. But the stars are nice too."

"How many stars do you think there are?"

He looks back up at the sky, more stars coming into view but still a bit faded from the light pollution. "I don't know. But why try to put a limit on the universe? We find new stars everyday. Some connect into beautiful pictures and some are just as alluring on their own."

"Do you ever get mad at the stars?"

Taehyun realizes it's a weird question, but normal coming from Yoonsuh, "No? They're too pretty."

"What if the stars stopped shining?"

"Impossible."

"Just answer the question, Tyun."

He chuckles, shaking his head, and thinks a moment, "I dunno. I'd probably be dead." He chuckles again to look at her, "What are you even talking about?"

She shrugs, giving a mischievous smile, "I dunno. What do you think I'm talking about?"

"Kang Yoonsuh."

She laughs, "Fine! I'm talking about Beomgyu. The sky is him, the stars are the reasons you love him."

He looks back at the sky and he thinks back to the dream he had last week, the one where him and Beomgyu kissed. The kiss was as calm and nice as a breeze on a spring day. The random pops from fireworks would make him excited as a kid at a festival.

"You fell hard." Yoonsuh says to him.

"Yeah, I guess I did." He says back.


End file.
